It is interesting to think about it, but sometimes I realize your life is a lot like mine except all the really tough things that happened to me started when I was 13, but yours so far all happened up to 13. I've been through divorce and death, living all over the place, hard times in school, broken hearts, crazy health problems, money problems, a lot of tough things.
We are very similar. There are times when I've been, as they say, at the end of my rope. Things were so bad and I wanted them to get better and they weren't going to; at least, not that minute. Sometimes at a certain moment things seem so bad we want to give up. I have been there more than once, I promise you. This is what I've learned about those times: hold on and you will make it through.
One time I remember I was sick and in pain for three days straight and I just wanted it to be over. I had food poisoning. One time after throwing up I passed out on the bathroom floor, exhausted. Sometimes I've been sick for months at a time, with no relief. I've wanted it to end so badly, there seemed no escape. But I learned a few things. The first: just take one day at a time. Hold on for just one more day. Don't think about how long it's been or how long it will take. Just one day; anyone can do that.
Also I've been through a lot of mental strain before, people dying, other people doing horrible things to me; betrayal, attacks, anger. Feeling lost and alone. Some times I've felt tempted to give in and let go of my mind; just go crazy or whatever and lose control, have a breakdown. But every time I've felt in my head I've had an option. I could choose to hold on or let go. So far, every time I've held on, no matter how bad it was. I think that when it does come down to it, there's that little voice in your head, speaking sanity, calmness, reality. Hold on to that, know that you can hold on, you can make it. No matter how awful you feel. Don't give in and do something crazy or stupid or lose control. Take a deep breath, and just fight through it.
Many times I've been sick or hurt, just lying in bed, unable to do much, feeling awful. But I've been around long enough to know it will pass. If you are going through a tough time mentally or emotionally, remember, also it will pass. You won't be in that feeling forever. Time goes by, day after day, and things change. Hurts heal, bad things bother you less over time, you move on.
I definitely wish I had thought of these things when I was your age, so I hope this helps. Another thing that has helped me is praying and knowing God is there. I believe he has given me strength to hang on when I have not had any. Of course, friends and family are there too. Never, ever be afraid to ask for help when you need it (this is probably a whole different entry for later!) I'm here for you, you can tell me anything, and I'll help you in any way I can. Remember that.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Live Outside of the Box (If You Want To)
When I was in high school, I had trouble getting up every morning to go. I've always been a night owl. I'd wake up and my heart would be racing, weak from lack of sleep but also feeling nervous about having to go to school being tired once again. But there was no choice; I was supposed to go to school and that was it.
That was my problem right there, I didn't realize there were other choices. People in my life only told me the standard options, the normal paths, the way everybody did things. It was the way you had to do it. Except it wasn't the only way.
Eventually I failed out of high school, not because I didn't study or wasn't smart, but because I missed too many days. I took the GED after that, and I got the highest score in the state. It's true; and I didn't even study. By then I was 19... but what I didn't know is that I could have taken the test when I was 16, and had my High School equivalent diploma, and been done with high school. I also could have been home schooled, and learned at my own pace, on my own hours, at home. I probably would have finished everything in 3 years that way.
With my high SAT scores and my GED, I was able to go to college. This was one of the happiest times in my life. I got to choose my own class times, so I always took later classes. I finally got enough sleep, made good grades, and I was happy. But then it came time to graduate college, years later. Once again I was faced with the harsh reality... that people work jobs from 8 to 5. When I was done, I would have to take one of these jobs. I was afraid, I didn't think I could do it.
Well, it turns out I could do it, but I was miserable. I was tired all the time because I never could go to sleep early enough. My first job I got working for Lockheed Martin, and they contracted me out to the CIA. (Nothing very exciting, I just took care of their computer networks.) Every day I got up at around 6am, drove in rush hour traffic for an hour, and checked into my desk area that I shared. But I thought, this was what you did; what everyone did when they grew up. Fortunately, years later I got into teaching, and learned I could not only work nights, but not have to work 40 hours a week.
For many years of my life, I spent my time inside a box I hated. I didn't really know about the options I had... for high school, taking the GED earlier, or homeschool. Today you can even go to online high school! And when I went to get a job, no one really ever suggested or talked about a non-traditional job. Working from home, or being a contract worker, or even just working a night shift job. Or teaching like I do, where they don't expect you to work 40 hours a week, and there's afternoon and evening classes. There's so many ways to make your own way in the world, there's so many solutions to problems that people don't see.
Now, you probably don't have my problem with being a chronic night owl, but times will come in your life when you are faced with a dilemma, so don't be afraid to think outside of the normal solutions. One thing that would have helped me is if I had talked to more people about things: older, wiser people. People with experience in the area I had troubles with. For you, Devin, you have me to talk to. I'm good at thinking outside of the box now. If you are happy with staying inside the box on certain things in life, there's nothing wrong with that either. Just remember if you feel stuck, there are always other options. Find your way.
That was my problem right there, I didn't realize there were other choices. People in my life only told me the standard options, the normal paths, the way everybody did things. It was the way you had to do it. Except it wasn't the only way.
Eventually I failed out of high school, not because I didn't study or wasn't smart, but because I missed too many days. I took the GED after that, and I got the highest score in the state. It's true; and I didn't even study. By then I was 19... but what I didn't know is that I could have taken the test when I was 16, and had my High School equivalent diploma, and been done with high school. I also could have been home schooled, and learned at my own pace, on my own hours, at home. I probably would have finished everything in 3 years that way.
With my high SAT scores and my GED, I was able to go to college. This was one of the happiest times in my life. I got to choose my own class times, so I always took later classes. I finally got enough sleep, made good grades, and I was happy. But then it came time to graduate college, years later. Once again I was faced with the harsh reality... that people work jobs from 8 to 5. When I was done, I would have to take one of these jobs. I was afraid, I didn't think I could do it.
Well, it turns out I could do it, but I was miserable. I was tired all the time because I never could go to sleep early enough. My first job I got working for Lockheed Martin, and they contracted me out to the CIA. (Nothing very exciting, I just took care of their computer networks.) Every day I got up at around 6am, drove in rush hour traffic for an hour, and checked into my desk area that I shared. But I thought, this was what you did; what everyone did when they grew up. Fortunately, years later I got into teaching, and learned I could not only work nights, but not have to work 40 hours a week.
For many years of my life, I spent my time inside a box I hated. I didn't really know about the options I had... for high school, taking the GED earlier, or homeschool. Today you can even go to online high school! And when I went to get a job, no one really ever suggested or talked about a non-traditional job. Working from home, or being a contract worker, or even just working a night shift job. Or teaching like I do, where they don't expect you to work 40 hours a week, and there's afternoon and evening classes. There's so many ways to make your own way in the world, there's so many solutions to problems that people don't see.
Now, you probably don't have my problem with being a chronic night owl, but times will come in your life when you are faced with a dilemma, so don't be afraid to think outside of the normal solutions. One thing that would have helped me is if I had talked to more people about things: older, wiser people. People with experience in the area I had troubles with. For you, Devin, you have me to talk to. I'm good at thinking outside of the box now. If you are happy with staying inside the box on certain things in life, there's nothing wrong with that either. Just remember if you feel stuck, there are always other options. Find your way.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Control your emotions, don't let them control you
Sometimes bad things happen, and many times, they happen in groups. It is normal to have an emotional reaction to bad things, we are human, not Spock from Star Trek. But, when those times come, it's best to know how to keep yourself in control. At the very least, it makes it easier to handle those times, plus it leads to a happier life.
One thing I think that happens to us all is we lose perspective. Sometimes just this ONE bad thing becomes huge in our life. I made this diagram to illustrate this.
We zoom in on the problem, and the rest of life becomes very small. Almost all we can see wherever we look is the problem. It almost defines our life. Whether it is a relationship problem, an argument, not getting something you wanted, a personal failure, an embarrassing moment... we can make it huge and dwell on it. But what we really need is perspective. 99% of events in our life are not that big of a deal, and we should see them in the proper perspective. They should look like this:
Usually, just think to yourself, in a few days or weeks, will this really matter? Will I even care? Life will move on. You'll be alive for many days, weeks, and years. In the big picture of time and your life, most problems are small and not worth getting upset about. You should just move on.
Controlling those emotions
So, we have now seen, due to my awesome photoshopped diagrams, the way to have perspective. That will help. Another big thing is to think: do I want to feel awful and upset right now? Most people would say, "no." Feeling awful is well... awful. So when you realize you are feeling bad and you don't want to, stop your thoughts for a second, get hold of them. Say, "I would rather feel good and happy." Then DO it. This is how it works: emotion follows action. Do something that makes you happy, even small things: sing, draw, dance. Whatever. Once you make yourself do things that are happy things, your body and mind have no choice but to follow. If those pesky thoughts keep coming back while you are doing it, just remind yourself that you don't want to feel bad, you would rather feel good. Keep pursuing it.
One thing you want to always remember, you CAN control your actions. No matter what your emotions are making you feel you can still choose what to do. If you are feeling unhappy it doesn't mean you have to do unhappy things. If you are angry, you don't have to lash out. If you are feeling an overwhelming emotion at the moment, just remember: it's just a feeling. It doesn't mean anything unless you want it to. You don't have to let it control you, and it will pass. No matter how badly you feel at any moment, it will get better. Just make it through. You never have to be a slave to your emotions, instead, you can learn to control them with practice. Just think of how you want to feel, and move toward it. Don't let those emotions drag you around and make you do things, show them who is boss, you.
One thing I think that happens to us all is we lose perspective. Sometimes just this ONE bad thing becomes huge in our life. I made this diagram to illustrate this.
Controlling those emotions
So, we have now seen, due to my awesome photoshopped diagrams, the way to have perspective. That will help. Another big thing is to think: do I want to feel awful and upset right now? Most people would say, "no." Feeling awful is well... awful. So when you realize you are feeling bad and you don't want to, stop your thoughts for a second, get hold of them. Say, "I would rather feel good and happy." Then DO it. This is how it works: emotion follows action. Do something that makes you happy, even small things: sing, draw, dance. Whatever. Once you make yourself do things that are happy things, your body and mind have no choice but to follow. If those pesky thoughts keep coming back while you are doing it, just remind yourself that you don't want to feel bad, you would rather feel good. Keep pursuing it.
One thing you want to always remember, you CAN control your actions. No matter what your emotions are making you feel you can still choose what to do. If you are feeling unhappy it doesn't mean you have to do unhappy things. If you are angry, you don't have to lash out. If you are feeling an overwhelming emotion at the moment, just remember: it's just a feeling. It doesn't mean anything unless you want it to. You don't have to let it control you, and it will pass. No matter how badly you feel at any moment, it will get better. Just make it through. You never have to be a slave to your emotions, instead, you can learn to control them with practice. Just think of how you want to feel, and move toward it. Don't let those emotions drag you around and make you do things, show them who is boss, you.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Stuff I wish I learned
When I was about to finish high school, I looked back and saw that a bunch of my friends and others that I knew were really good at certain things. One of my friends was a black belt, another was an awesome guitar player. Yet another was a great runner. I messed around with a few of these type of things in high school but never stuck with them. When I was finished, I was rather disappointed. I wanted to be awesome at something!
One of the things about picking a sport or a musical instrument or something else like that is that if you stick with it, just keep going, one day you'll wake up and be pretty good. Just accept it as something you do; don't think about your progress from one day or one week to the next; that will frustrate you. But over months and years, the changes will come. Just enjoy doing it. Whether it's music, or a sport, or some other extra-curricular activity, find something you enjoy and just do it!
Once I looked back at high school and realized I missed out I tried to make up for my lost time; I did learn to play guitar in college, and also became a fencer. And just like I said, after a few years, I was good! There's something really great about being skilled at something, very satisfying. Something you can take with you through your whole life. You can play tennis or basketball or anything your whole life, and the same goes with a musical instrument; plus you'll be great at parties.
One other thing I'm really sad I missed out on was a foreign language. Most high schools teach this, and I took the classes, but I never really tried or cared much. I wish I had. So many people I know in this modern world speak other languages well, and here I am, stereotypical dumb American, only speaking English. So, pick one language now and stick with it, take it all the way through part 3 or 4, whatever they offer. You'll be happy you did. You can use it later when you decide to travel the world and visit other countries.
So, in short summary: pick a sport or musical instrument (choir is fine too, your voice is an instrument!) and a language to stick with through your four years of high school, because when you're done you'll kick ass at those things.
Look at how much fun I have playing guitar!
One of the things about picking a sport or a musical instrument or something else like that is that if you stick with it, just keep going, one day you'll wake up and be pretty good. Just accept it as something you do; don't think about your progress from one day or one week to the next; that will frustrate you. But over months and years, the changes will come. Just enjoy doing it. Whether it's music, or a sport, or some other extra-curricular activity, find something you enjoy and just do it!
Once I looked back at high school and realized I missed out I tried to make up for my lost time; I did learn to play guitar in college, and also became a fencer. And just like I said, after a few years, I was good! There's something really great about being skilled at something, very satisfying. Something you can take with you through your whole life. You can play tennis or basketball or anything your whole life, and the same goes with a musical instrument; plus you'll be great at parties.
One other thing I'm really sad I missed out on was a foreign language. Most high schools teach this, and I took the classes, but I never really tried or cared much. I wish I had. So many people I know in this modern world speak other languages well, and here I am, stereotypical dumb American, only speaking English. So, pick one language now and stick with it, take it all the way through part 3 or 4, whatever they offer. You'll be happy you did. You can use it later when you decide to travel the world and visit other countries.
So, in short summary: pick a sport or musical instrument (choir is fine too, your voice is an instrument!) and a language to stick with through your four years of high school, because when you're done you'll kick ass at those things.
Look at how much fun I have playing guitar!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Not Caring What People Think
Dear Devin,
This is my first entry of what hopefully will be many for you, I really hope it will be helpful to you.
"Look at that girl with hairy legs!" someone said to me as I walked down the street downtown. In high school, I was sort of a metal-head, renaissance loving geek, so I had long hair, kind of like Keith Partridge. I'm sorry you had to see that picture, but there it is: David Cassidy in all his glory from the Partridge Family.
One time in high school, someone took a wad of gum and threw it into my long locks on purpose, just ... well who knows why they did it? I got angry and ripped it out right there, along with a big chunk of my hair.
Not everyone liked me in high school, and I accepted that to a certain level. I knew I was weird, kind of a freak. You probably feel a bit of the same way, and you tell yourself you don't care what those other people think. But I know, at least a little bit, that you do. I did, back then.
The truth is this, there are only two people in the entire world whose opinions really matter: yours and God's. (Of course, when you are growing up, you should also listen to those who are caring for you.) It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says about you. I used to worry so much about what those other kids thought, even people I didn't know! I was a slave to worry. Every day I worried if they would hate me, or do something bad to me, or reject me. I worried about strangers, but also people I knew. If I thought someone was "cool" I really, really wanted them to like me. I would try to be "cool" around them. And of course, if I liked a girl, well, then I really worried about that all the time. Every day, high school was like a show I had to put on so I'd get people to like me, or at least, not to hate me. And I didn't even realize I was doing it!
You may be thinking, "Well that's nice Uncle Steve, but I'm not like that." Well, I've learned that almost everyone is like that, to some extent. Maybe you aren't like that as much as me. But back to what I was saying, here's something to think about those high school people.
* The Strangers: They might do bad things to you whether you worry about it or not. In fact, you worrying about it won't change anything. If you don't know them, just don't give them any thought at all unless you want to know them.
* The Bad Ones: Worrying also won't change if they do bad things or not. But if they are mean to you or do you wrong, they are not worth your time or even your thoughts. Don't waste your precious thoughts and feelings on people who don't deserve it. Just forget about them. (Unless they are doing something unacceptable, then tell an adult, of course.) The way to be free of bad people is make them worth nothing in your life, then they will have no power over you.
* The Friends: True friends will like you the way you are. You shouldn't have to try to "be cool" for anyone. If there's someone that would only like you if you act a certain way, then they are not worth being friends with.
* The Crushes: Ok, so you have a crush on someone. The truth is, they will either like you, or they won't. If they don't like you, then you should also forget about it. Don't waste feelings on someone who does not return them, your feelings are precious, as well as your thoughts and time, don't waste them on someone who does not value you in return.
I spent so much time worrying about people and trying to be cool that I missed out on a lot of fun that I could have been having if I just ignored that stuff. I don't know if you realize this, but most of the things that happen in high school won't be major events in your life. When you finish, and become fully adult, and go to college or work, or whatever you do, you won't sit around thinking about high school; you'll be thinking about your new adult life and all the options you have. High school is new, and big, and scary, but remember it's only a small part of the picture in your life; you will move on from it. It's just a stage. Try to enjoy it as much as you can, and don't let anyone take away that joy. Find true friends who accept you for who you are, and don't even waste time on those who don't care, don't understand, or who just don't like you. Just do your thing, be yourself as much as you can, be the real you and don't give a crap at all about what anyone else might say. People will actually respect you for that.
Just one more thing: keep an open mind, you may find a new friend in someone you never would expect, so talk to other kids that you don't know. There are other kids like you in high school that are cool, and good, and those are the valuable ones you should know.
This is my first entry of what hopefully will be many for you, I really hope it will be helpful to you.
One time in high school, someone took a wad of gum and threw it into my long locks on purpose, just ... well who knows why they did it? I got angry and ripped it out right there, along with a big chunk of my hair.
Not everyone liked me in high school, and I accepted that to a certain level. I knew I was weird, kind of a freak. You probably feel a bit of the same way, and you tell yourself you don't care what those other people think. But I know, at least a little bit, that you do. I did, back then.
The truth is this, there are only two people in the entire world whose opinions really matter: yours and God's. (Of course, when you are growing up, you should also listen to those who are caring for you.) It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says about you. I used to worry so much about what those other kids thought, even people I didn't know! I was a slave to worry. Every day I worried if they would hate me, or do something bad to me, or reject me. I worried about strangers, but also people I knew. If I thought someone was "cool" I really, really wanted them to like me. I would try to be "cool" around them. And of course, if I liked a girl, well, then I really worried about that all the time. Every day, high school was like a show I had to put on so I'd get people to like me, or at least, not to hate me. And I didn't even realize I was doing it!
You may be thinking, "Well that's nice Uncle Steve, but I'm not like that." Well, I've learned that almost everyone is like that, to some extent. Maybe you aren't like that as much as me. But back to what I was saying, here's something to think about those high school people.
* The Strangers: They might do bad things to you whether you worry about it or not. In fact, you worrying about it won't change anything. If you don't know them, just don't give them any thought at all unless you want to know them.
* The Bad Ones: Worrying also won't change if they do bad things or not. But if they are mean to you or do you wrong, they are not worth your time or even your thoughts. Don't waste your precious thoughts and feelings on people who don't deserve it. Just forget about them. (Unless they are doing something unacceptable, then tell an adult, of course.) The way to be free of bad people is make them worth nothing in your life, then they will have no power over you.
* The Friends: True friends will like you the way you are. You shouldn't have to try to "be cool" for anyone. If there's someone that would only like you if you act a certain way, then they are not worth being friends with.
* The Crushes: Ok, so you have a crush on someone. The truth is, they will either like you, or they won't. If they don't like you, then you should also forget about it. Don't waste feelings on someone who does not return them, your feelings are precious, as well as your thoughts and time, don't waste them on someone who does not value you in return.
I spent so much time worrying about people and trying to be cool that I missed out on a lot of fun that I could have been having if I just ignored that stuff. I don't know if you realize this, but most of the things that happen in high school won't be major events in your life. When you finish, and become fully adult, and go to college or work, or whatever you do, you won't sit around thinking about high school; you'll be thinking about your new adult life and all the options you have. High school is new, and big, and scary, but remember it's only a small part of the picture in your life; you will move on from it. It's just a stage. Try to enjoy it as much as you can, and don't let anyone take away that joy. Find true friends who accept you for who you are, and don't even waste time on those who don't care, don't understand, or who just don't like you. Just do your thing, be yourself as much as you can, be the real you and don't give a crap at all about what anyone else might say. People will actually respect you for that.
Just one more thing: keep an open mind, you may find a new friend in someone you never would expect, so talk to other kids that you don't know. There are other kids like you in high school that are cool, and good, and those are the valuable ones you should know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)